A Bird in the Hand

Published September 14, 2015 by marshaz333


The Mr. loves breakfast.

No matter what time of the day he wakes up, be it early morning or noontime, he prefers to start with breakfast.

And he’s an egg man from way back.

The dude loves him some scrambled eggs.

But now, once he’s had breakfast, he doesn’t want it again that day.

Never for supper.


Now, I, on the other hand, only really like breakfast at night.

For supper.

The mere thought of eggs in the morning just gags me!!

We are quite the match, huh?!?!?!

You can imagine the delight the Mr. experienced when I first introduced him to the Waffle House.

Yes, I introduced him to Waffle House because there is not one Waffle House to be found in the Great White North.

Can you believe that????

Do those Yankees have any idea what they are missing???

Apparently not!

Now, I know, it takes a certain amount of sophistication to regularly dine at a Waffle House. But the Mr. and I have just that kind of refinement! We fit right on in!

When we moved to KY four years ago, the Mr. was super excited that there was an actual Waffle House in our town. So not long after we got settled in, we popped on over to check it out and have some delicious food.

Now the beauty of the Waffle House is that you can have EITHER breakfast or lunch any time of the day.

But I must say, if you’re the least little bit picky about things like cleanliness and the such, you’re better off to go around 2:30-3:00 in the morning. The place looks a lot classier at that time of night.

Either that or your just too dang tired to care.


Well, way back then, our local Waffle House was……how do I say………..NASTY!!!

And the Mr. vowed he would never go back!

And he didn’t.

At least not to the Frankfort Waffle House.

Oh, we’ve eaten at the ones in Georgetown and Lexington on numerous occasions.

The man just can’t pass up a Waffle House.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I convinced the Mr. to give our Waffle House another try.

After all, a lot can change in four years.

Plus I didn’t want to wait for a table at Cracker Barrel because we MUST have breakfast!!! :-)

And I’m glad to report that things had greatly improved!!! We were tickled.

{Sad that we are so easily pleased.}

So this weekend, we decided to give it another go.

I especially wanted Waffle House because GRITS!

I’m a grit girl!

I don’t know how you like your grits but the very best way to eat them, in MY opinion, is lots of salt, pepper, butter and crumbled BACON!!!

Soooo yummy!!

And so we find ourselves at a little booth by the window, eating our delicious food and enjoying the day when BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something hits the window above our booth.

Then what looks like a wad of brown paper towels falls on my hands and bounces onto the floor.

What could it be????

Who is throwing wet paper towels at us????

I look down.

That ain’t no wad of paper towels.

THAT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIRD HIT MY HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!

WHILE I’M EATING!!!!!!!!!!


AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you feeling my stress here???

Do you get how troubling this was????

I mean………….a BIRD…………INSIDE………..

TOUCHED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise be unto the Lord, though, that I didn’t immediately start to gag, as I’m known to do.

But I did leave that poor Mr. sitting all alone while I went into the bathroom and scalded my hands with hot water and scrubbed with steel wool to get those bird germs off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will give credit to the Waffle House though.

By the time I got back from the bathroom, holding my clean hands up like a surgeon walking into the OR, they had scooped up that dead bird and took it out. And we also got a free breakfast out of the deal.

Sadly, there sat my bowl of grits with perfectly crumbled bacon on that avian contaminated table!!

So when the waitress asked if we wanted any additional food to go, that polite Mr. said “No, thank you”  but his grit-loving wife said SURE!!

I’ll have grits, bacon and a Diet Coke!! :-)

Wasn’t the same.


The Truth is Out

Published September 3, 2015 by marshaz333

A few months ago, I was invited to an online party by the Mr.’s cousin, Kim. It was for a company I didn’t know too much about but it intrigued me.

It was a Jamberry party.

I have always enjoyed having my nails “done”, especially so that I can show off my collection of what the Mr. calls gaudy rings.

So I bought some of the Jamberry nail wraps so give them a try.

{For those who don’t know, nail wraps are basically vinyl stickers for your nails.}

When my order arrived, I was super excited but also nervous about trying them.

What if it was hard to do?

What if I messed them up?

What if the Mr. finds out how much I spent???

So after about a week of them sitting in the box, I decided to take the plunge.

I started with a pedicure to be on the safe side. I figured, if they didn’t look good, I could always cover them up and no one would be the wiser.

Now, let me explain the difficulties of toes.

Or more accurately, chubby girl toes.

Problem #1 is that they are more difficult to actually reach than slim girl toes.

I have a co-worker who is so thin that she can sit with her knee practically up her nose. I can hardly even get my leg up in the chair, let alone up my nostril.

{Not that she DOES that. She just could, if she so chose.}

Problem #2 occurs when said chubby girl is also Mrs. Magoo and can’t actually SEE her toes so good.

I mean, I’ve got bifocals.

Because my eyes require two sets of focals.

But my feet land somewhere between too close and too far away to make those silly glasses useful.

I soldiered on and got those wraps on pretty well, I thought.

I was proud.

First toes

{I have now completely grossed out my brother!! Sorry, Marcus!}

The next morning I woke up feeling something weird.

Between my toes.

Something was caught!!

Yep…………the wrap from my teeny-tiny pinky toe was now wedged BETWEEN two toes!!!

I chuckled to myself but figured that nobody would notice that little pinky guy.

A couple of days later, I asked the Mr. if he would help me change the sheets on our bed.

There is nothing better in life than getting into a bed with fresh, clean sheets.


I can actually change the sheets myself but most of the time I’m also fighting off the little red man who believes that there is nothing better in life than clean sheet……….to roll around on!!!

Because what’s better than Taj-smelling sheets????

{And now I’ve totally grossed out my cousin! Sorry, Debbie!}

So as we are removing the dirty sheets, the Mr. spots something in the middle of the bed.

“What’s that???”

Taj and I go in to investigate.

MY TOE!!!!

“Your TOE????”

My TOENAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Your TOENAIL?????????????”

Well, not my REAL toenail.

The wrap that was ON my toenail.

I didn’t even know it was missing!

I grabbed that little toenail wrap and as I looked up into the face of my beloved, I saw the exact moment that realization hit.

I saw, with just a look on his face and a slight shake of his head, that he now knew the truth.

“Girls are weird”.

And life will never be the same.


Things That Go Bump In The Night

Published September 2, 2015 by marshaz333

I realize I’ve been absent from this here blog thing for a little bit.

But that doesn’t mean that nothing funny has been happening. I’ve got some funny stuff in the hopper.

Ok…….I don’t really have a hopper.

But if I DID, it would be full of funny stuff!!!

I’ve been wanting to share this for a while but I needed to get the proper permissions and make sure all the names were changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Ok……..I’m not changing the names at all but I DID need to get permission before sharing because as soon as this happened…………..as SOON as it happened………….the Mr. forbade me from sharing it with the whole interweb!!!

I hate when he squelches the funny!!!

But now I think it’s safe to share.

I think!!

Anyway, a few months back, my sweet insomniatic dogs woke me up in the middle of the night to go see if there was anything fun going on outside.

Well, one wanted to go roam the out of doors, the other just wanted a midnight snack.

That one was a lot like his mother (RIP Shad!).

When I finally got everybody trudged back up the stairs, I turned around to make sure I was leaving no man behind and what in this world was that……………A HUGE SPIDER!

Now I know that some of you believe that I’m given to exaggeration but let me just tell you, it was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen.


And it was right beside the door to the hall closet.

There was no way I was leaving that thing there so I immediately went to the bedroom to get a fly-swatter.

Yes, there is a fly-swatter in my bedroom.

And one in Shelby’s bedroom.

And one in the laundry room.

And one in the Mr.’s office.

Because, let me tell you, the LAST thing you want is to have some big ole yucky bug standing between you and the place where you keep the fly-swatter.

I feel like I’m prepared for any fly-swat emergency!

Well, almost any.

Because when I got that fly-swatter, I realized that the handle was too short.

Too short by at least 10 feet!!!

I was gonna have to get waaaaayyyyy too close to that spider to kill it.

And what if it jumps??????

I shudder just thinking about it.

Friends, it was a BIG spider!

So, I thought and thought.

“What is the one thing in our bedroom that the Mr. swears will kill anything?”


{Yes, he’s convinced I’m slowly killing us all with hairspray.}

I grab my big ole can and start spraying.

That spider doesn’t even flinch.

{But his hair was LOVELY!}

At this point, I’m all out of ideas.

So I ever so gently wake the Mr. with “Honey, I need you to come kill a spider. Bring your gun.”

Thankfully, that got his attention and he hopped up right away.

He came out into the hall and I think contemplated just burning the house down with us and that spider still there!


To his credit, he got a lot closer to that thing than I did, but when he whacked it with the fly-swatter, it crawled under the hall door!!

He flung open the door and was faced with a bunch of “stuff” that his loving wife stored in the closet because her too-big house wasn’t near big enough for all her junk!!

Let the fussing begin!!

Oh well, this time, in this place, with this spider, he was right!!

He was able to find the spider under an old wreath.

He found it because you could HEAR that big ole thing walking around!!!

So he stunned it with Tresemme until he could flail the tar out of it!!

After flushing it down the toilet, he came back to the bedroom with a frightening question……

What about it’s friends?

What about it’s family?

What about it’s BABIES???????

Could there be more where that guy came from???

Lordy, I hope not.

But while I was ready to lay back down and go to sleep, the Mr. was on the hunt!!!

He looked around the closets.

He looked around our bed.

He even looked under the bed.

And that’s when it happened!!!

Did I mention that the Mr. sleeps in his all-togethers?

Well, when he got on the floor in his undies to check under the bed, Taj took that moment to brush his hairy body up against the Mr.’s nakedness.

The Mr.’s reaction still makes me chuckle to this very day!!!

And that’s when I was told to never, ever share this story!! :-)


Stay Calm and Call the Doctor

Published May 19, 2015 by marshaz333

I remember it like it was yesterday.

The confession.

I hadn’t been dating the Mr. very long (ok, he wasn’t the Mr. then, just the Guy) and in a moment of stupidity, I confessed to him that I had never seen any of the Star Wars movies all the way through.

It seemed like such a little thing.

But it wasn’t.

Not by a long shot!

From that day forward, the Mr. has made it his mission to enlighten me to all things Sci-fi.

Over the last 17 years, I have seen every Star Wars movie, every episode of every incarnation of Star Trek as well as every Star Trek movie.

I’ve seen all of the Stargates, Battlestar Galacticas, every Lord of the Rings/Hobbit movies, and more alien shows & movies than I care to recount.

I even know who Cohaagen is and why he needs to give them air!

It’s taken awhile but my love for the Mr. has turned into a serious like for some of the entertainment I once made fun of.

The most surprising, though, has been my love of Doctor Who in general and the 10th Doctor in particular.

Granted, I only started watching with the 9th Doctor but when David Tennant took over as the 10th, well, pardon me, but he’s a cutie!!


That’s why when the Mr. and I stumbled upon a memorabilia shop in Pigeon Forge a few weeks ago, I wound up with the best souvenir ever.

A life size cardboard cutout of the 10th Doctor!

I know what you must be thinking.

And it’s true.

The Mr. has officially turned me into a nerd!!

But after we discovered what fun we could have with Doctor #10, it is definitely well worth the moniker.

The first thing we did was set him up in my office.

He looks good there but when Taj saw him, he started barking his head off and, of course, the Mr. had to make Taj believe that the Doctor was going to get him. It was pretty funny.

Then this past weekend, Shelby came for a visit.

The Mr. picked her up and when they got to the house, Shelby took her stuff up to her room.

Her room that is also my office.

Her room that is now guarded by Doctor Who!

She walked around the corner and screamed bloody murder!!!

Then it was ON!!!

That night (or rather early in the morning) we all headed to bed. Shelby to her room, the Mr. and Taj to our room and me and Shadow to the couch.

FYI, Shadow has been banished from the bedroom until he is no longer a pee-pee boy so we sleep downstairs.

It’s a long story.

But most of mine are! :-)

I had just dozed off when I heard Taj barking like crazy.

I go to the bottom of the stairs and called for him but he just barked. I could tell he was in the Sheep Room (yes, I have a sheep room!) but he wouldn’t come to me. Sometimes he goes in there to roll around on the berber carpet and the door closes behind him and he gets trapped.

I’m not sure why the door closes but we think it’s the ghost of the old lady who lived there before us.

I start to go up to release Taj from the trap when he comes flinging down the stairs like the devil himself is chasing him.

What in this world???

He was scared to death.

We go back to sleep and early the next morning (or rather the same morning), the Mr. comes down and tells me that Shelby had put the Doctor in the Sheep Room and had scared him when he got up.

THAT’S what Taj was barking at!

Now it makes sense!!!

A few minutes later I hear a blood curdling scream from upstairs!

Then I hear the Mr. laughing.

He had put the Doctor right outside Shelby’s door so when she opened it, there he was!!

Who knew that Doctor Who could be so fun????

Well, the weekend flew by in a flash and Sunday evening we took Shelby back home. We came home and watched a little TV then decided we were so exhausted that we better go on to bed.

The Mr. went on up and I took care of the dogs then trudged up to get my stuff for the couch. On my way up, I decided to check to see what Shelby left behind. She always leaves SOMETHING! :-)

I didn’t see anything.

No clothes.

No jewelry.

Not even the Doctor.

Hmmm……where is that goomer???

So I go to the Sheep Room.

No Doctor.


He’s somewhere.

Waiting for me!

I checked the Mr.’s bathroom (especially behind the shower curtain).

No Doctor.

I checked my bathroom (especially the shower stall).

No Doctor.

The Mr. said, “Are you looking for the Doctor?”

“Yep, he’s somewhere. Waiting.”

I checked the Mr.’s closet.

No Doctor.

So I opened my closet door……….



Giant Stinkers, Helicopters and an Actual Giant

Published April 22, 2015 by marshaz333

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been a little lax in the blogging department and I do sincerely apologize.

The thing is, most of the time I write these in my head early in the morning or late at night and then I either forget to actually post them to the interweb or, in my old age, I think I’ve already done it!!

So it got me thinking about some things I was going to write about and I remembered promising a post about giant stinkers.

And then I didn’t do it.

And who among us wouldn’t want to read about giant stinkers?????

For the past few years, we’ve noticed an abundance of mosquitoes in our backyard.

Like, they are THICK!!

We’ve checked and double-checked for standing water and just couldn’t find any.

Until the Mr. decided it was time to clean the gutters.

I would never have thought to clean the gutters because frankly they are too high up for me to notice.

Or clean.

So that good ole Mr. climbed up to have a look-see and, lo AND behold, those suckers were FULL.

Full of water and helicopters!

You know the ones I mean.


We have a big ole maple tree in our yard and it’s been tossing helicopters at us for years and those guys were clogging up the gutters and causing all kinds of problems.

Well, that Mr. got out his new pressure washer (he has since pressure washed EVERYTHING!!) and got to work shooting that clog out of the gutters.

And out it came.

Down the spout and onto the ground.

And do you know what decomposing helicopters look like?

Well, I’d be glad to tell you but I’m starting to gag at the memory so I’ll let you use your imagination.

Suffice it to say the goo that came out was blacker than pitch and quite chunky!

And do you know what decomposing helicopters smell like????



The only one at our house who wasn’t totally grossed out was Taj. He tried every way in this world to roll around in that nasty pile.

I don’t know where he learned such a thing.

It’s almost like he’s a dog.

Anyway, once the Mr. was done and the gutters were nice and cleaned out, do you know where those mosquitoes ended up for the summer?


Because apparently, the Mr. and I taste delicious!!

Giant stinkers got me thinking about an encounter with an ACTUAL giant. And I hope I haven’t already shared this. I’ve started to many times but I think (I THINK) I haven’t done it yet.

So in honor of my friend Cara Sue’s birthday….

Her 50th birthday…..

As in……….she’s FIFTY……

I thought I’d share this story about her and the day she was trapped by a giant.

(Cara, you’re welcome!) :-)

When we were in high school, lo these many years ago, there was a fella named Terry (I think) and he was a football player. He was HUGE!!!

And they called him Sasquatch.


One day my friend Cara was walking down the hall between classes and it was very crowded. People were everywhere.

Now, if you’re petite, then you know exactly what I’m saying here but let me tell the rest of you Amazon people that when you can’t see above the crowd, you’ve got to just weave in and out of folks as best you can. The bad part is that most of the time, the Talls can’t see you and your weaving.

And that’s what happened to Cara.

As she, Miss 4’11”, was bobbing and weaving passed Sasquatch and his gargantuan friends, he lowered his arm and there was my little friend.


In the armpit of Sasquatch.

I’m not sure how long she was trapped there but I don’t think Sasquatch ever noticed she was there and eventually released her to scurry on her way.

So let that be a lesson to all of you out there who are 5’ tall or less……..always watch out for Bigfoot when navigating a crowded hallway.

And also…………happy 50th birthday, Cara Sue!!


Calgon Take Me Away

Published April 17, 2015 by marshaz333

Have you ever had one of those days?

You know the ones.

The ones where you would have been better off to just snuggle down in those covers and sleep the day away?

Well, that’s exactly what I should have done today.

It started out like every other work day.

I hauled myself up out of a deep sleep to let the dogs out.

Yes, I said dogs.

As in more than one.

For those of you who don’t know, we added to our family a few months ago.

You remember Shadow, the dog I spent MONTHS begging the Mr. for?

Well, it’s a long story but let me just say:

We got a new dog.

His name is Shadow.

{Ok, I guess it’s not that long a story!}

Anywho, I let the dogs out, answering the age-old question of “who” and by the time I got them fed, medicated (Shadow) and cheesed (both), I was a smidge on the tardy side.

Of course, that didn’t stop me from laying back down on the bed for a “minute”.

I eventually, after many minutes, got myself back up and started getting ready for work.

Let me pause right here to bring you up to speed on a couple of riveting things:

1. Since Shadow has come into our lives, the days of morning showers are long gone! That cutie guy wakes me up at such odd times, I can’t get on a schedule so I’ve just switched to night showers. It works pretty well except for the hair.

2. A while back I finally got fed up with the shaggy mane that is my hair and had Christi just cut it all off!!! I told her I needed to be able to wash it at night and she said “no problem, just wet it the next morning, dry & style it”.


That has YET to happen.

Yes, I’ve washed it.

Yes, I’ve dried it.

But oh, no, I have not even THOUGHT about wetting it the next morning.

I just go with whatever wild thing I wake up with.

And that brings us to this morning.

When I sat down at the dressing table to work on this head, it became obvious that a family of muskrats had made a nest in my hair.

I think it was Suzy and Sam.

That hair was WILD and was sticking up every which way.

So I curled and sprayed and waxed and sprayed and curled some more and finally got it in some semblance of order. Though I’m afraid the back still shows signs of a rodent party.

By the time I did all that, brushed my teeth, put on my shoes and grabbed my purse, I was really running late.

And now the dogs are barking.

Well, actually, only one barks.

The other honks.

And the more Taj barks, the more Shadow honks.

It can be quite deafening.

So I race to the laundry room and set the security alarm.

Now I have 60 seconds to get out the door before the alarm sounds.

I hurry to the garage door and pull.

And tug.

And pull.

And tug.

That silly door has swollen so much, that my little noodle arms can’t get it open.

FINALLY, it opens and out runs Shadow!!

Right into the garage.

Now, I’ve got Bob Barker behind me, mad because he thinks his brother is going for a ride.

I’ve got Honky McHonker running all around the garage thinking he’s going for a ride.

And time is ticking down on that crazy alarm!!!


That was it.

That was my cue.

That’s where I should have hit the sheets.

Instead, I shut off the alarm, convinced Shadow to come back in the house and we started all over.

This time I was able to use my big ole purse to block that slippery little devil from getting out the door.

Or course, the whole time it’s BARK, BARK, BARK, HONK, HONK, HONK…………

I shoulda stayed in bed.



Love Hurts

Published February 11, 2015 by marshaz333


Have you ever said something and as soon as the words come out of your mouth, you wish you could take them back?


Just me???

Sadly, I do this more than I’d like to admit.

And last night was no exception.

If I’d only taken the time to think it out in my head before I let those words fly out.

If only I’d kept my thoughts to myself.

If only I had remembered what Dad had tried to instill in me.

I knew better.

I was taught better.

But there it was.

Out there.

Feelings were hurt.

Remorse set in.

I’ve replayed it over and over again, knowing full well that I am a disappointment to my raisin’.

Maybe it was the pain from a mouth covered in fever blisters.

Maybe it was the sore nose that is apparently gearing up to replace Rudolph next Christmas.

Maybe it was the headache that started in my actual eye socket.

Maybe it was the lateness of the hour.

Whatever made me do it, I swore right then and there that I would never let it happen again.

Never again will I allow my mouth to get ahead of my brain.

Never again will I give the Mr. the opportunity to out-McLean me.

Because, my friends, he JUMPED on it!!!

In my hour of weakness, I innocently and without thinking said these words to the Mr. just as we were going to bed last night:

“My face hurts”.

That’s when my sweet, loving, caring, precious husband said, without a moment’s hesitation:

“Yeah, it’s hurting me too”.

He’s been in the family too long!



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