Archive | September 2012

Concealed Weapon

If I could go back to any time in my past, I would have to pick college. I had the best time! Of course, my major was socializing and not something silly like academics.

That’s just crazy talk!!

Anyway, I went to Campbellsville College (before it grew up and became a university). I made some lifelong friends who still stay in touch and I know I can count on for anything.

My older sister, Marti, also went to Campbellsville and so we roomed together. Talk about the “Odd Couple”! Marti was very neat and studious and I was messy, cluttered and whatever the polar opposite of studious is!!!

I would know that word if I was studious.

Marti, what am I trying to say????

Campbellsville College was about an hour and a half away from our hometown so we were “away” from home but could get there in a hurry if need be. But many weekends we just stayed in the dorm. Mostly because we couldn’t scrape together enough cash to put gas in our guzzler of a car! On those weekends that we stayed at school, we would always do our laundry on Sunday afternoon before everyone came back for the week. Sometimes the dorm was like a ghost town!

One particular Sunday we had just gone to the basement to bring our clothes back to our 3rd floor room and since the dorm was pretty empty, we didn’t lock our room. We came in and started folding our clothes and I’m just chattering away.

I know. Your shocked!

What I didn’t know was that our friends, Kim and Karen, from down the hall had come back to campus and were hiding in our closets to scare us. So I’m telling Marti about who knows what and I randomly said “I’ve got me some pretty dry elbows”.

Well, those girls practically fell into the room laughing their heads off over my pretty dry elbows. I didn’t particularly think it was funny but it must have been in the delivery!

They scared us all right and I have never lived down those pretty dry elbows.

In fact, it’s still a problem.

Though it’s really just the one elbow.

I’m telling you……….it’s like a weapon!!!

I’ve been told by more than one person who’s accidentally rubbed up against my one elbow that it could cut someone. I mean, I could do some real damage!!

So last night I’m watching the season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and I notice that when the Momma lifts up both her arms, her elbows are black as CAN be.

I’m thinking she’s got some pretty dry elbows too.

And so now I’m worried.

I do NOT want to be like Honey Boo Boo’s mom!!!!

I better go find some lotion.




The Sky Is Falling

Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Well, Albert, I’m apparently insane!!

Or hard of learning.

I’m not sure which.

Every morning, the Mr. uses these floss/pick things on his teeth. He’s good about oral hygiene. He brushes, gargles AND flosses. I think he’s afraid that since he’s moved to KY his teeth may suddenly loosen and fall out. I’ve told him that his teeth will fall out because of all the Twizzlers he eats not because he now lives in the South. I’m supportive that way.

Anyway, every morning he sticks the resealed bag of pick thingies back in the medicine cabinet.

And every morning, I open the medicine cabinet to get my toothbrush and that stinkin’ bag falls on my head.

Every morning!

EVERY morning!!

Now, one would think that I would learn to open the cabinet with caution. But one would be wrong! I fling open the cabinet door (I’m usually running late….surprise, surprise) and when I’m clunked on the head, I do some sort of growl and mumble under my breath about the Mr. and his stupid pick thingies!!

So yesterday we went to the dentist. We had never been to this particular dentist before and I was not looking forward to it! First of all, because it was going to take up my precious lunch hour. I’ve grown quite fond of actually eating during my lunch hour. Second, because, well, it’s the dentist. And third, because it was pouring rain! There is nothing worse than running around (on your lunch hour) in the pouring rain!!!

Nothing, I should say, except going to the dentist during lunch hour in the pouring rain with a fever blister!!

I warned that girl right from the start that I had a fever blister. As if she couldn’t see it!! It’s like a puffy beacon for all the world to see!! And still she rubbed it, stuck it and generally ignored my pain!! My only hope is that she woke up this morning with a huge, throbbing sore on her mouth!

I know…………I’m a great example of Christian love!

After 2 hours in the dentist’s office (!) the Mr. was dropping me off at work. I still hadn’t had lunch but I had heard through the grapevine that the boss was ordering pizza so at least that was one bright spot in my rainy ole day.

Unfortunately, before I could get out of the truck (in the pouring rain), I accidentally pushed the button on my umbrella and BANG!!!

My umbrella smacked the windshield as it opened in the cab of our truck!

Did I mention that it was pouring rain and the umbrella was wet????

The Mr. was NOT happy. 🙂

What can I say?

I started my day being clunked in the head with pick thingies!!


Math…….We Meet Again………

Once again math has reared its ugly head.

And bit me right on the hind end!!!

When will I learn that as much as I’d like it to be, math is and has never been and will never be my friend.

Last week I traveled back and forth from Frankfort to Louisville to the NQC with Molly and Steve. We had a big time. And let me tell you that on the trip home each night, we got a little silly.

But not that first night.

I was being dead serious.

And that’s when it happened.

We were discussing the event and I remarked to the others how I had just about burst into flames that night because it was so bloomin’ hot in the exhibit hall. There was no way I was going to be able to wear the next night what I had planned.

After all, it had ¾ inch sleeves.

To which Steve remarked “¾ inch sleeves?”

Yes, ¾ inch sleeves and that is just too dag-gum hot for me.

“¾ inch sleeves?”

What is with this guy???? Can’t he understand English? Does he need to clean out his ears?


For the love of Pete, ¾ inch sleeves!!!!

“You know, ¾ inch sleeves would be really short.”


{¾ inch sleeves? Isn’t that what I said? Is that even what I meant???}


¾ LENGTH sleeves!!!!


I told you, I don’t do math!!!

Or fractions, apparently.

On a related note, I saw this sign at the school where the Mr. used to work in NY and since it was so utterly ridiculous, I snapped it’s picture.

“Try Math: Odds are you’ll like it!”

The odds are NOT in my favor!


“These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty”

Ready or not, I think it’s here.


Not that I mind so much because I really like the cooler weather but you know what comes next.



I even heard the Mr. using the worst four-letter word that I know.


Yuck again!

But I’m trying to have a positive outlook.

One big drawback to fall is that my head feels like it’s going to explode! Every morning for the last week or so I’ve woken up with a pounding headache. My sinuses are all plugged up and my eyes water for no apparent reason.

Did I mention that I really do love fall???

The other day at work I had that nagging headache so I did the only thing I knew to do.

Feed a headache.

Isn’t that a saying??? Well, it should be.

So since everyone knows that the best cure for a headache is a Mt. Dew, I headed up to the vending machines on the third floor to get a Dew and a bag of pretzels.

On my way back down the elevator (yes, the elevator! )

(everybody knows the worst thing to do for a headache is walk down a flight of stairs!)

(it’s common knowledge, people!)

Anyway, on my way back down the elevator, I noticed something on the bag of pretzels:

What, may I ask, is hungry size?????

I’ve heard of small, medium and large.

I’ve even heard of extra-small (why is THAT a thing?!) and jumbo.

But never hungry size.

How can hungry be a size?

What the bag should have said was “pretzels so big they are dry as a bone”.

Thankfully my Dew helped wash ‘em down! 🙂


Bring on the funny

Last week was our annual trip to the NQC.

What is the NQC, you ask??

Why, it is only the biggest event in Southern Gospel music: The National Quartet Convention.

My family has been going to NQC for years and when they moved it from Nashville, TN to Louisville, KY some years back, we’ve really enjoyed the week getting to visit with lots of friends and hearing some great Southern Gospel music.

Unfortunately, a bi-product of NQC is the NQC Hangover.

I get it every year.

That’s when you stay up so bloomin’ late every night that your old body just can’t keep up!! I’ve been in a fog all week and can’t seem to get enough sleep.

Don’t worry…….it will eventually pass. Hopefully before NQC next year!

Some of my favorite musical moments were listening to Greater Vision, The Perry’s, and The Booth Brothers (though Gaither has managed to secular them up a bit).

But I wanted to share some of my favorite non-music moments and funnily enough, they all involve my little Izzy G. That girl is a hoot!!

Belle (aka Izzy G) went to Louisville with us on Thursday night but stayed with my sister, Marti, the rest of the week at a hotel while Molly, Steve and I traveled back and forth from Frankfort every night.

Sometimes work really gets in the way!!

Anywho, on Friday night I was really thirsty so Belle and I decided to go to the food court to get a drink. On the way through the exhibit hall, Belle whispers out of the side of her mouth (she’d have made a great 1930’s gangster) “I can drink a Mt. Dew……I’m sleeping with Aunt Marm”.

Now, I enjoy living on the edge as much as the next guy but since I’ve known “Aunt Marm” for about 45 years now, I felt it was safe to say that giving an 8-year-old a Mt. Dew at 10:30 at night did not bode well for good ole Mish!!! Thankfully they only had Coke products at the food court so it was a no-go on the Dew. I’d like to think I wouldn’t have gotten her one anyway but I am a pushover, after all.

The next night we met up with Marti, Kenny and Belle at Old Chicago to eat before going to the Convention. While we were waiting for our food, Belle shared with me what they had been up to at the hotel. She told me a really funny story about a meeting the three of them had in the hotel bathroom to discuss the towel/washcloth situation but as I mentioned above, I know Marti pretty well and if I shared the story, I’m pretty sure she’d kill me, so I’ll move on………….

Belle told me that they had gone to eat at Outback the night before and that Uncle Kenny had eaten lamb chops!!!

Now for those of you who don’t know me, I am in serious like of anything sheep!!! I have a sheep figurine or picture or something sheepy in every room in my house plus my guest room is totally SHEEP!!!

So this line of foodery had me concerned.

“How can anybody eat a sheep?” I asked Belle.

Her reply?

“A little salt, a little butter and a little garlic”!!!!

Now that’s funny!!!

I don’t care who you are!!!

How is she so quick with a response???? She’s EIGHT!!!!

Later that night, Belle came up to our seats to listen to a little music. She normally stays at our friend’s, Tim and Mary Alice Lovelace, booth playing with their kids. Someone was on the stage singing and I honestly don’t remember who it was or what the song was but I know it was pretty emotional.

Everyone was wiping tears and many people had their hands raised in praise to God and Belle looks at me and says:

“Like Uncle Tim would say, that would bring a tear to a glass eye”!!!

If I hadn’t been so wedged into those tight little seats, I probably would have fallen in the floor!!! What a stitch!!

But my favorite Belle-ism of the night was when the Convention was completely over. We were making our way down the steps with a crowd of people so we made a human chain so that 1. we could all stay together; and 2. so Mish wouldn’t fall and bowl everyone down!

And also cause we’re cool like that!!! 🙂

So Molly and Steve are in the front and Belle and I are holding onto their shoulders and we are inching down the stairs. Belle reaches up to Molly’s hair and says “Mom, your hair is so soft.” Very appreciative that her baby girl said her hair was soft and not greasy like a pork chop, Molly said “Thanks Belle!” To which Belle replied:

“Feels just like Taj’s hair”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever try to walk down steep stairs with a kazillion people, trying not to fall, and get so tickled you could wet your pants?????

That was me!!!

That girl is a hoot and a holler!!!!

She takes after her Aunt Mish!! 🙂

(Just don’t ask the Mr., he rarely thinks I’m funny!!)



To Eat or Not to Eat

Have you ever had a “Fierce” weekend?


Well, let me tell you, it’s not something you recover from easily! Especially at this age!

But I think I’m bouncing back pretty good so I thought I’d share with you today about the difficulties in my life.

I realize that we all have issues and I don’t want to discount anything you may be facing in your life but I’ve had a traumatic food weekend.

You would think that when a girl gets to be as old as I am, preparing/ordering food would be second-nature.

Well, let me just tell you, it’s not!!!

Actually, I think I did my part pretty good. It’s everybody else that just can’t get it right.

I got an e-mail from Pizza Hut last Wednesday night about…….

No, let me back up a little.

Before Fierce Fest 2012, I had gone to Kroger and basically bought out all the junk food that I could get in my cart. Chips, dips, pop, cookies; I had it all. I even got bacon for that certain someone who shall remain nameless but who loves bacon most of all. Right, Andrew?????

But when the Fierce’s had gone, the cupboards were bare.

No, that’s entirely true. There was food………I just didn’t want to be the guy who had to cook it! So life resumed with my lazy bones avoiding the kitchen at all costs.

By Wednesday, it became clear that a trip to the store was inevitable. We were in a crisis. A situation had developed that called for immediate attention. We were out of toilet paper!! Now I can do without many things in life but toilet paper is not one of them.

I planned to go to store right after work on Wednesday. I really did. But it rained. Actually it stormed. Right when the Mr. picked me up from work. Who wants to shop in the rain? Certainly not me!

So I had gotten an e-mail that day from Pizza Hut (Remember? I think I mentioned this before) about a deal of 2 medium pizzas, breadsticks, and a side dish (we like chicken wings) for $19.99. Seems like a sign to me! What’s a girl to do but stick a box of Kleenex in the bathroom and order up some pizza!!

Since I married into a bunch of computer geeks (and we are proud of it!) I fired up my computer to order our food online. Very convenient, plus I can pay with a credit card since I never have any cash. I place the order at 6:33 and get a confirmation that the pizza will be delivered at 8:42.

That’s right!! 8:42!!!

Are you kidding me????

So I call up the Hut and ask if that is correct. The girl assured me that it was since EVERYONE orders pizza when it rains.

Did you know that???


Then apparently you are the only person who doesn’t order pizza in the rain! Good for you!!!

Well, I just informed that girl in my most perfect Me-maw tone that I was cancelling my order since we are not waiting 2 hours to get our food.

She didn’t care. Shocking, right?!?!?!?!?!?!

Of course, I apparently have no problem going out to eat in the rain. Just not to the store for TP!! We went to Aranda’s which was surprisingly not very busy. I guess everyone stayed home and ordered pizza.

Thursday. Thursday was the big trip to the store for TP. Except the Mr. had to work late and didn’t get home until 7:30 so by the time we ate, it was too late to go to the store.

But never fear!!! Friday I restocked the toilet paper and all is right with the world. Until Sunday………………..

Sunday I went to Kroger for my weekly grocery shopping. I didn’t need TP but I needed everything else. After spending $250 on food, I went home and asked the Mr. if he wanted to order Chinese. I know. I’m sad!

I called up the Asian Buffet and placed my order. They have the best Black Pepper Chicken (the best, Jerry, the best!) and the Mr. wanted Kung Pao Chicken (George likes his chicken spicy!).

We planned to watch a movie while we ate so I got everything ready so that as soon as our food came, we could sit in the living room and watch our movie and eat Chinese food. Life is good.

The food comes, I unpack it all. The Mr.’s looked great and mine looked………well, it didn’t look like Black Pepper Chicken. That’s cause it WASN’T Black Pepper Chicken!!! It was some broccoli and rubber chicken dish!

Well, this will never do!!!

I called up the Asian Buffet and did a “Who’s On First” with the Asian lady who answered the phone. I don’t mean that to be rude but I’m sure she is telling someone how she talked to some big ole hick so it’s fine. Me and the lady are not offended.

I finally get it straightened out and she assures me that the guy will bring me the correct order. So we wait.

And we wait.

And we wait.

The Mr. is finished with his food.

I ate my egg roll and soup.

And we wait.

And we wait.

Finally, after an hour goes by, I tell the Mr. that my Black Pepper Chicken is nothing more than a dream and to go ahead and start the movie. I feel like if I get too hungry, I can always gnaw on the rubber chicken. Just as we start the movie, a NASCAR driver pulls sideways into our driveway at about 120 mph and races to the door with my beloved Black Pepper Chicken!!

Now was that so hard?????

Oh, and on Friday we tried the Pizza Hut again (since it was sunny out) and when I went to pick it up, she tried to charge me 50 cents for blue cheese to dip my wings in!!! I told her, again in my best Me-maw tone, that I would have none of it!! I’ll just dip ‘em in whatever sauce I can find at home!

Fifty cents!!! The nerve!!