Archive | March 2013

Yo, Adrian!


Judy and Christi:  STOP READING RIGHT NOW!

The topic of this post could be detrimental to your life. 

Or at least your lips!


Molly, I would warn you too but you’ve been around me for the last two days so it’s really too late for you!


I’ve got the leprosy.

Not the actual leprosy but it’s so terrible that I could think of nothing else that came close.

Because that which I have, I dare not speak aloud.

It’s kind of like saying Beetlejuice 3 times except with my sister and my cousins, I don’t have to even say it once.  I just have to IMPLY it and BOOM!!!


For those of you who have never had the leprosy, it’s quite painful and when I woke up on Tuesday morning, I looked a little like this:


But worse!!!

Scared the Mr. to death!!!

I’m not exactly sure why I have such a bad case of the leprosy (five blisters, people!  FIVE!!) but I’m sure it has something to do with the stress over having to fix supper every ding-dong night so I’ve convince the Mr. that the only way for me to heal is to eat out.

So far he’s going for it!

Actually, Mom has cooked for us the last two days and I’m hoping I can ride this train until at least next week!!

And I’m quite sure that I should refrain from cleaning the house (or any other chore) just to be on the safe side!

Shhhhh!!  Don’t let on!

The big problem, other than the fact that one side of my mouth is larger than the other and covered in sores, is that I’m having trouble drinking.  I’m a spiller by nature but add these swollen, corroded lips to the mix and I’m drooling all over myself.

But never fear.

My Southern-ness has held strong.

Each morning I attempt to apply lipstick.

Each morning I think that I can camouflage my affliction with red lipstick.

Each morning I look like I’ve been punched in the mouth.

But I’m hoping that a weekend of rest, relaxation and Mt. Dew will cure what ails me.

I’ll let you know how it goes!  🙂




Anybody Want a Treat?

Taj 2

Taj has been to the vet this week and he was told he needs to lose weight.

Welcome to the club, buddy!!

The poor little guy is always STARVING!!!  At supper he’ll beg from me and the Mr. until we’re done eating then he’ll head over to his own food and glomb it down.

He’s a bottomless pit.

He gets that from his mother!!

I usually give him some of what I’m having (hence, the weight issue) but he also has his own treats.

You know, the ones for actual dogs.

Yes, he does know he’s a dog.

Well, he does NOW.

We tried to keep it from him.

And by “we” I mean ME.

The Mr. has no problem treating Taj like a dog.

Though truth be told, Taj is still a little unclear about whether he’s a dog or a cat.  When he was a puppy his Momma Karen had 2 cats so Taj developed some cat-like tendencies.  He loves to sit on the back of my chair and watch the world go by our little corner of Frankfort.  He’s like the animal version of Gladys Kravitz.  NOTHING happens on our street without Taj being aware and barking at it!

His other feline trait is his love of cat treats.

I mean LOVE of cat treats.

He goes berserk when he sees the container and acts as if he hasn’t eaten in days instead of minutes.

Sometimes when he’s outside, I can’t get him to come in.  Not just that but I can’t even get him to acknowledge my presence!  He’s like a teenager.  Until I say the magic word.

“Taj, you wanna treat?”

That guy whips his head around so fast I’m sure he’s going to get whiplash!!  And he comes FLYING into the house looking for his cat treats.  This little trick comes in really handy in the morning when it’s 20 degrees outside.

Dude, you may be wearing a fur coat but your mom is in her nightgown!!!  Get in the bloomin’ house!

I had a whiplash moment myself this morning.

You all know by now that the Mr and I (and my whole family) have been on a diet and we’ve all done really well.  But this last couple of weeks has been a real struggle for me.  I told the Mr. last weekend that I’ve got to stick to the diet better or Marti will beat me!!

And I’ll not have that.

I told him that no matter how weak I get and no matter what sinful food I suggest, don’t let me fall off the wagon.  All I had to do was get to the weekend and I could have something I craved.

Sure enough, yesterday I suggested Taco Johns for lunch.

The Mr. was strong.

Last night I mentioned Jimmy Johns for supper.

Again, the Mr. was my rock.

{Notice I have a thing for “John”.  Wonder why that is????}

This morning I got to work with my bottle of water and my diet approved breakfast bar.  I texted the Mr. that I really was having a hard time, especially since my co-worker was eating biscuits and gravy and it smelled sooooo good!

Then it happened.

The phone rang.

It was another co-worker who was on her way to the office and stopped at Chick-Fil-A.  Did anyone want anything???????

My head snapped around so fast, I got a little dizzy!


My favorite.

Heck yeah, somebody wants something!

I’ll take one of each!!!

Should I?

Should I not?

Am I strong?

Am I weak?

Can I hold out this one more day?



Sorry, Mr. 😦


And The Winner Is………

Life isn’t about keeping score.

I read that on a blog today.

But if we’re not keeping score, how do we know who’s winning????


When our boys were younger, the Mr. would chase them up the stairs at bedtime pretending that he was a lion about to eat them.  The kids would climb over the couch, screaming and scrambling up the stairs.  If the “lion” got hold of them, he would drag them back down the steps and they’d have to start over.  All the while, the Mr. was growling like a lion and the kids were laughing and screaming!  They loved it.

It scared me to death!!!  I was just waiting for the day when someone’s chin would get busted open on the steps but that day never came, thank the Lord!!!

As the boys outgrew the game, the “lion” turned his attention toward me!!!  Thankfully, the Mr. was smart enough to know that if he pulled me down the stairs, it would be “Big Trouble In Little China”!!!  That would NOT be appreciated.  But he’d still dare me to make it to the top of the stairs before he could get to me.  He didn’t growl as much but there was definitely laughing and screaming on my part and I’m sure there was a time or two the neighbors wondered what in the world was going on.

Last night we decided to head to bed early so we could watch TV before going to sleep.

We’re an exciting couple like that.

So while the Mr. was in the kitchen, I casually mention that Taj and I were going to head upstairs.  Of course, by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, the Mr. was right there!!

“You’ll never make it”

I assured him that I would wait right there for him to be done.


He heads back to the kitchen with Taj right at his heels and I took my opportunity!

I ran as fast my little Pika-legs would carry me and since the real goal is to get to the top, I DOVE the last few steps and landed in a heap at the top of the stairs just as the Mr. got to me!!  All the while Taj is barking like a crazy man and thinks the Mr. is trying to kill me.  There was lots of laughing and screaming.

Then I realized that, with age, comes a new aspect of the game.

The goal now is to get to the top of the stairs without wetting your pants.

Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

As we go into the bedroom to get ready for our exciting night of “Dr. Who”, I notice that the Mr. has a sense of urgency about him.

Game #2 is afoot!!

This game consists of who can get IN the bed first.   The catch is that you have to be completely ready for bed…….pills taken, jammies on, contacts out.

The big problem is that while the Mr. is just getting himself ready, I have to close the drapes, set the alarms and change clothes after the epic fail at the end of the last game!!

At this point, we are both moving around like madmen trying to be the first in the bed.  I see that there is no way I’m going to beat the Mr. until I realize that he’s still wearing his contacts!!!  YES!!!

I quickly remind him that he’s got to get those contacts out but he informs me that he’ll just sleep in them!!  Fine………let them fuse to your eyeballs in the night!!  WHATEVER!!!

I grab my nightgown and head into the bathroom.  That’s when I hear the Mr. in the other bathroom!!

Now’s my chance!!!

I jump into my gown, wash my hands and just as I turn the doorknob, I hit the lights.  All I gotta do is hop into that bed and I’m the victor!!!

But the door won’t open!!

Is the Mr. holding the door???

No, I can still hear  him in the other bathroom.

That stinker has put a chair up against the door!!!!

He has trapped me in!!!

What a cheater!!!

Now I’m banging on the door yelling to be let out since this is obviously a violation of the rules!

Meanwhile, Taj is going berzerko!!!

Eventually the Mr. strolls into the bedroom, calm as you please, removes the chair and I see him do a perfect swan-dive into the bed!

He thinks he’s won!

Little does he know that I’ve got a call into the KY Gaming Commission to report his blatant disregard for the rules!!

Never fear, once I get some Depends, I’ll be unstoppable!!  🙂


Slip Sliding Away


It snowed last night.

Not a lot.

But enough that I begged the Mr. to drive me to work.

He was thrilled!!

The problem is that he goes to work at 7:30 and I can’t get into my building until 7:45.

So what’s a girl to do????

A girl hangs out at Subway, that’s what!

The Mr. drops me off and goes on his merry way.

I order a very diet-friendly breakfast and sit and wait.

I look out the window.

I check my e-mail.

I check the Facebook.

And then it hits me.

I’ve got to WALK to work.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I’m lazy by nature, but the issue wasn’t the distance.   It was the icy, snowy street and sidewalk that stretch between me and safety!

See, from Subway, I have to cross St. Clair Street and then cross Main Street, then I have to walk up Main Street to my building.

{Ok……..It’s not technically MY building; I just work there!}

Lots of opportunity for me to fall on my hiney.

And lots of opportunity for said fall to be witnessed by others!

Now, at this time of the morning it’s not like the streets were teeming with people.  It’s Frankfort, after all.  But all it takes is one!!

So I start out like the little old woman that I am all the while repeating these words in my head:  “Don’t fall; don’t fall”

Shuffle, shuffle.

“Don’t fall; don’t fall”

I get across St. Clair without incident but now there are cars at the stop signs.  The pressure is on.

Shuffle, shuffle.

“Don’t fall; don’t fall”

I’m across Main.

Now for the big finish.

Shuffle, shuffle.

Why didn’t I wear better shoes???

Shuffle, shuffle.

And then a song pops into my head.  Not the whole song, just the end.

And my mantra changes.

It’s no longer “Don’t fall; don’t fall”; it’s now “We fall down, we fall down”.


Why can’t I be singing about warm, sunny, summer days???

Or at the very least a song about staying UPRIGHT!!

But, oh no, my silly brain goes to “We fall down”!!  I don’t even really know that song!!

I finally made it to the office without making a complete and utter fool of myself.

That’s a good day, right there!!

But rest assured that if I had indeed fallen down, in the tense state that I was in I would surely have shattered every bone in my body.

This is why little old ladies shouldn’t walk on icy, snowy streets!!!



How Nightmares Are Born

I was blessed with two awesome grandmothers!

My dad’s mom, bless her heart, had a total of 9 children!



She was in her early forties when my dad, the best of the bunch, was born.  So by the time I came along, she was an old lady to me.  But still pretty great!!!

She always had a candy jar full of those nasty circus peanut candies.  Of course, we were forbidden (by our parents) to ever ASK for a piece of candy or anything else for that matter so I didn’t have to partake but Maw-maw usually told us we could have one.  When Marc came along he mastered the “not-asking-ask”.  He would get the candy jar and just bring it to her.  He didn’t actually ASK for any!  Kid was using his nugget on that one!!

My mom’s mother was much younger by comparison.  When I was born, she was a little younger than I am now.

And we all know that is YOUNG!!!

Me-maw lived very near us and we spent a lot of time at her house. Us kids got to spend the night quite a bit.  It was always so much fun!!

She would make us Coke Floats.  And we’d eat exotic foods like macaroni and cheese and lasagna.  And when we were older, she introduced us to Chinese food.

She was the Bombdiggity!!!

Now before you question the exotic-ness of mac & cheese and lasagna, let me point out that my parents do NOT like either of those things so unless Me-maw fixed it for us, we weren’t getting it!

And don’t even get Dad started on Chinese food or pizza!!

Anyway, one of the best things about spending the night with Me-maw was her bedtime stories.  She could tell a great story.

The best story she read us was “The Old Woman and Her Pig”.

Old Woman

Have you ever heard this one?

It’s about, well, an old woman and her pig!


This old woman (who was in reality probably my age!  UGH!!) bought a pig and she couldn’t get it to go over the stile and she shan’t get home tonight.

Any story with the word “shan’t” in it is gonna be a good one.


The old woman goes on to try to find some way to get the pig to jump over the stile so she can get home and with each added verse, Me-maw would read it as fast as she could.  We would collapse in giggles every time!  .

We LOVED it!!

I tried to find a copy of this book to give to Belle when she was little and even had it ordered from a bookstore in NY.  But when the book came, it had been totally changed to be “politically correct”!!!

Are you kidding me????

What’s wrong with this world????

So today I found the story online.

Here’s an excerpt from the book.  Just remember to read it as fast as you can!!!  🙂

Cat! Cat! kill rat;

rat won’t gnaw rope;

rope won’t hang butcher;

butcher won’t kill ox;

ox won’t drink water;

water won’t quench fire;

fire won’t burn stick;

stick won’t beat dog;

dog won’t bite pig;

piggy won’t get over the stile;

and I shan’t get home tonight!

Ok, maybe it IS a little on the rough side what with the dog beating, the ox killing and the butcher hanging but as kids, we loved this story!!!

But our absolute favorite was the story of the Big Toe.

I don’t know if this was a real story or one she just made up but it scared me every time!

Apparently there was a man who cut off his big toe (again, kinda gross but we didn’t think a thing of it!!).  Anyway, he wakes up in the night and hears a voice saying “Where’s my big toe?”

Now I have to explain that Me-maw was very country.  She said things like “knowed” instead of “knew” so when she said “where” it sounded more like “were”.  You’ve GOTTA do that accent for this story or it loses it’s effect!!

Me-maw would say in a spooky voice:  Were’s my big toe?   Were’s my big toe?

And we were on the edge of our seats waiting for what we knew would come!!!

Me-maw said the old man looked all around his house but kept hearing “Were’s my big toe?” Until finally he sneaked (another of Me-maw’s words) and looked in the fireplace and …………

THERE IT WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me-maw would say that part really loud and we would all jump and squeal!!!!

My heart is pounding just thinking about it!!!

So scary!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes now I’ll  hear a noise downstairs and the Mr. will say, “It’s the big toe”!!

I “knowed” it was a mistake telling him this story!!

Sweet Dreams!!!!