Archive | September 2015

A Bird in the Hand


The Mr. loves breakfast.

No matter what time of the day he wakes up, be it early morning or noontime, he prefers to start with breakfast.

And he’s an egg man from way back.

The dude loves him some scrambled eggs.

But now, once he’s had breakfast, he doesn’t want it again that day.

Never for supper.


Now, I, on the other hand, only really like breakfast at night.

For supper.

The mere thought of eggs in the morning just gags me!!

We are quite the match, huh?!?!?!

You can imagine the delight the Mr. experienced when I first introduced him to the Waffle House.

Yes, I introduced him to Waffle House because there is not one Waffle House to be found in the Great White North.

Can you believe that????

Do those Yankees have any idea what they are missing???

Apparently not!

Now, I know, it takes a certain amount of sophistication to regularly dine at a Waffle House. But the Mr. and I have just that kind of refinement! We fit right on in!

When we moved to KY four years ago, the Mr. was super excited that there was an actual Waffle House in our town. So not long after we got settled in, we popped on over to check it out and have some delicious food.

Now the beauty of the Waffle House is that you can have EITHER breakfast or lunch any time of the day.

But I must say, if you’re the least little bit picky about things like cleanliness and the such, you’re better off to go around 2:30-3:00 in the morning. The place looks a lot classier at that time of night.

Either that or your just too dang tired to care.


Well, way back then, our local Waffle House was……how do I say………..NASTY!!!

And the Mr. vowed he would never go back!

And he didn’t.

At least not to the Frankfort Waffle House.

Oh, we’ve eaten at the ones in Georgetown and Lexington on numerous occasions.

The man just can’t pass up a Waffle House.

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I convinced the Mr. to give our Waffle House another try.

After all, a lot can change in four years.

Plus I didn’t want to wait for a table at Cracker Barrel because we MUST have breakfast!!! 🙂

And I’m glad to report that things had greatly improved!!! We were tickled.

{Sad that we are so easily pleased.}

So this weekend, we decided to give it another go.

I especially wanted Waffle House because GRITS!

I’m a grit girl!

I don’t know how you like your grits but the very best way to eat them, in MY opinion, is lots of salt, pepper, butter and crumbled BACON!!!

Soooo yummy!!

And so we find ourselves at a little booth by the window, eating our delicious food and enjoying the day when BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something hits the window above our booth.

Then what looks like a wad of brown paper towels falls on my hands and bounces onto the floor.

What could it be????

Who is throwing wet paper towels at us????

I look down.

That ain’t no wad of paper towels.

THAT’S A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

A BIRD HIT MY HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!

WHILE I’M EATING!!!!!!!!!!


AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you feeling my stress here???

Do you get how troubling this was????

I mean………….a BIRD…………INSIDE………..

TOUCHED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise be unto the Lord, though, that I didn’t immediately start to gag, as I’m known to do.

But I did leave that poor Mr. sitting all alone while I went into the bathroom and scalded my hands with hot water and scrubbed with steel wool to get those bird germs off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will give credit to the Waffle House though.

By the time I got back from the bathroom, holding my clean hands up like a surgeon walking into the OR, they had scooped up that dead bird and took it out. And we also got a free breakfast out of the deal.

Sadly, there sat my bowl of grits with perfectly crumbled bacon on that avian contaminated table!!

So when the waitress asked if we wanted any additional food to go, that polite Mr. said “No, thank you”  but his grit-loving wife said SURE!!

I’ll have grits, bacon and a Diet Coke!! 🙂

Wasn’t the same.



The Truth is Out

A few months ago, I was invited to an online party by the Mr.’s cousin, Kim. It was for a company I didn’t know too much about but it intrigued me.

It was a Jamberry party.

I have always enjoyed having my nails “done”, especially so that I can show off my collection of what the Mr. calls gaudy rings.

So I bought some of the Jamberry nail wraps so give them a try.

{For those who don’t know, nail wraps are basically vinyl stickers for your nails.}

When my order arrived, I was super excited but also nervous about trying them.

What if it was hard to do?

What if I messed them up?

What if the Mr. finds out how much I spent???

So after about a week of them sitting in the box, I decided to take the plunge.

I started with a pedicure to be on the safe side. I figured, if they didn’t look good, I could always cover them up and no one would be the wiser.

Now, let me explain the difficulties of toes.

Or more accurately, chubby girl toes.

Problem #1 is that they are more difficult to actually reach than slim girl toes.

I have a co-worker who is so thin that she can sit with her knee practically up her nose. I can hardly even get my leg up in the chair, let alone up my nostril.

{Not that she DOES that. She just could, if she so chose.}

Problem #2 occurs when said chubby girl is also Mrs. Magoo and can’t actually SEE her toes so good.

I mean, I’ve got bifocals.

Because my eyes require two sets of focals.

But my feet land somewhere between too close and too far away to make those silly glasses useful.

I soldiered on and got those wraps on pretty well, I thought.

I was proud.

First toes

{I have now completely grossed out my brother!! Sorry, Marcus!}

The next morning I woke up feeling something weird.

Between my toes.

Something was caught!!

Yep…………the wrap from my teeny-tiny pinky toe was now wedged BETWEEN two toes!!!

I chuckled to myself but figured that nobody would notice that little pinky guy.

A couple of days later, I asked the Mr. if he would help me change the sheets on our bed.

There is nothing better in life than getting into a bed with fresh, clean sheets.


I can actually change the sheets myself but most of the time I’m also fighting off the little red man who believes that there is nothing better in life than clean sheet……….to roll around on!!!

Because what’s better than Taj-smelling sheets????

{And now I’ve totally grossed out my cousin! Sorry, Debbie!}

So as we are removing the dirty sheets, the Mr. spots something in the middle of the bed.

“What’s that???”

Taj and I go in to investigate.

MY TOE!!!!

“Your TOE????”

My TOENAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Your TOENAIL?????????????”

Well, not my REAL toenail.

The wrap that was ON my toenail.

I didn’t even know it was missing!

I grabbed that little toenail wrap and as I looked up into the face of my beloved, I saw the exact moment that realization hit.

I saw, with just a look on his face and a slight shake of his head, that he now knew the truth.

“Girls are weird”.

And life will never be the same.


Things That Go Bump In The Night

I realize I’ve been absent from this here blog thing for a little bit.

But that doesn’t mean that nothing funny has been happening. I’ve got some funny stuff in the hopper.

Ok…….I don’t really have a hopper.

But if I DID, it would be full of funny stuff!!!

I’ve been wanting to share this for a while but I needed to get the proper permissions and make sure all the names were changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Ok……..I’m not changing the names at all but I DID need to get permission before sharing because as soon as this happened………… SOON as it happened………….the Mr. forbade me from sharing it with the whole interweb!!!

I hate when he squelches the funny!!!

But now I think it’s safe to share.

I think!!

Anyway, a few months back, my sweet insomniatic dogs woke me up in the middle of the night to go see if there was anything fun going on outside.

Well, one wanted to go roam the out of doors, the other just wanted a midnight snack.

That one was a lot like his mother (RIP Shad!).

When I finally got everybody trudged back up the stairs, I turned around to make sure I was leaving no man behind and what in this world was that……………A HUGE SPIDER!

Now I know that some of you believe that I’m given to exaggeration but let me just tell you, it was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen.


And it was right beside the door to the hall closet.

There was no way I was leaving that thing there so I immediately went to the bedroom to get a fly-swatter.

Yes, there is a fly-swatter in my bedroom.

And one in Shelby’s bedroom.

And one in the laundry room.

And one in the Mr.’s office.

Because, let me tell you, the LAST thing you want is to have some big ole yucky bug standing between you and the place where you keep the fly-swatter.

I feel like I’m prepared for any fly-swat emergency!

Well, almost any.

Because when I got that fly-swatter, I realized that the handle was too short.

Too short by at least 10 feet!!!

I was gonna have to get waaaaayyyyy too close to that spider to kill it.

And what if it jumps??????

I shudder just thinking about it.

Friends, it was a BIG spider!

So, I thought and thought.

“What is the one thing in our bedroom that the Mr. swears will kill anything?”


{Yes, he’s convinced I’m slowly killing us all with hairspray.}

I grab my big ole can and start spraying.

That spider doesn’t even flinch.

{But his hair was LOVELY!}

At this point, I’m all out of ideas.

So I ever so gently wake the Mr. with “Honey, I need you to come kill a spider. Bring your gun.”

Thankfully, that got his attention and he hopped up right away.

He came out into the hall and I think contemplated just burning the house down with us and that spider still there!


To his credit, he got a lot closer to that thing than I did, but when he whacked it with the fly-swatter, it crawled under the hall door!!

He flung open the door and was faced with a bunch of “stuff” that his loving wife stored in the closet because her too-big house wasn’t near big enough for all her junk!!

Let the fussing begin!!

Oh well, this time, in this place, with this spider, he was right!!

He was able to find the spider under an old wreath.

He found it because you could HEAR that big ole thing walking around!!!

So he stunned it with Tresemme until he could flail the tar out of it!!

After flushing it down the toilet, he came back to the bedroom with a frightening question……

What about it’s friends?

What about it’s family?

What about it’s BABIES???????

Could there be more where that guy came from???

Lordy, I hope not.

But while I was ready to lay back down and go to sleep, the Mr. was on the hunt!!!

He looked around the closets.

He looked around our bed.

He even looked under the bed.

And that’s when it happened!!!

Did I mention that the Mr. sleeps in his all-togethers?

Well, when he got on the floor in his undies to check under the bed, Taj took that moment to brush his hairy body up against the Mr.’s nakedness.

The Mr.’s reaction still makes me chuckle to this very day!!!

And that’s when I was told to never, ever share this story!! 🙂