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He Flies Through the Air With The Greatest of Ease

The funniest things happen when the Flying Zolnowski’s are getting ready for bed.

I don’t know why these things happen.

Getting ready for bed is a serious matter.

It’s the last step before you accomplish the day’s main goal: BED!!

It’s the best part of the ding-dong day!!

But sometimes the Mr. likes to race.

Sometimes he gets a little silly.

Sometimes he’s just four-thirds ig-nernt!!

But most always he cracks me up!!!

Last night was no exception.

Except he wasn’t racing.

He wasn’t being silly.

He was just telling me a story about something that happened at work.

I was standing at the dresser listening to this riveting tale of IT hi-jinks while the Mr. was behind me over by the bed getting undressed.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear but the Mr. falling across the room.

It was like a slow-motion fall.

He just kept falling and falling and falling.

I’m seeing all this through the mirror so I turned to check out what was actually happening and there he was.

On his knees.

Crashed into the rocker and cedar chest.

Jeans around his ankles.

What in this world?!?!?!?!

And then it starts.

The laughter.

Not mine…………HIS!!

He laughs and laughs and laughs some more.

He falls back on the floor in a fit of laughter.

Pants still at his ankles and just cracking right up.

Are you ok????

What happened?

Where you trying to race me?

Did you just get tangled up?

No, he says.

“The Lord’s just trying to tell me I’m too big for my britches.”

But never fear.

Taj went over to check on his dad and the dog who NEVER licks the Mr. gave him a big ole smooch right on the mouth!!!

Now THAT was funny!!

~Mish~

 

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Toe Pic!

Hello.

Sorry for the long absence.

What long absence, you ask????

Well for those of you who haven’t noticed, I haven’t blogged since my epic fail of “7 posts in 7 days”.  Turns out 5 is my limit.

But for those of you who are regulars here (and I’m using that term loosely!), I apologize for my prolonged silence, though there are some who would count my “silence” a miracle.  Not naming names but, Dad, I’m lookin’ at you!! 🙂

I have spent the last week in class for work.  It was a mapping class so I was expecting it to be all kinds of interesting but what I didn’t expect was all the hard.

I spent 2 ½ days hearing more facts about longitude and latitude than I ever cared to know.

I just don’t have room in my brain for such things.

It’s already filled up with such useful information as the lyrics to “Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road” and the goings-on of Honey Boo-Boo and her family and who sat where and who wore what at our last family outing.

I’m just not sure I need to know that 1 rod equals 16 ½ feet.

You’d be amazed at how seldom that kind of thing comes up in my life.

So at the end of every day, the poor Mr., who is usually privy to my jovial attitude and, dare I say, hilarious quips, was met with a sharp tongue and absolutely NO humor.

I didn’t mean to.  I’m a good girl, but dag-gone it, I couldn’t seem to help it!!

{Paraphrase of an Andy Griffith line in case you missed it!}

Then low and behold there was a test.

Have you ever been given a test that you were prepared for and when you read the first question, it appeared to be written in Portuguese????

That was me!

And that ain’t all.

It was full of……you guessed it……MATH!!!

UGH!

But I forged ahead, guessed on a few of the answers and am now waiting on the results.  If somehow, by the grace of Almighty God, I passed that thing, I will try with all my might to use my new found knowledge of mapping on a regular basis.

Or not.

We’ll see.

All this to say that there was not a lot of laughter in my house this week.

Until last night.

There I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the Mr. put on quite a show!

I was laughing so hard I thought I’d fall out in the floor.

Apparently, he decided to move from his recliner to sit beside his oh-so-pleasant wife but he had an issue navigating around the coffee table.

Maybe I need to draw him a topographical map.

I can do that now.

Sort of.

Ok, not at all.

His first mistake, of course, was switching seats in the middle of a show.

I mean, come on.

Is he new here???

It’s the MIDDLE OF A SHOW, for Pete’s sake!!!

I don’t know what he was thinking.

He knows the rules!!

People need to stay in their seats with their mouths firmly closed until a commercial.  And THEN only move or speak if it’s a lame commercial.  To be determined by me, of course.

Thank the Lord for the ability to pause TV because, oh the laughter that ensued after that Mr. jammed his little baby toe into the leg of the coffee table.

I heard it crack.

The toe, not the table leg.

But lest you think I’m completely heartless, it wasn’t the toe cracking I was laughing at but more the Mr.’s reaction.

Oh the reaction!!

He hollered and yelled and rolled around on the couch (in a very NON-baby-like manner, of course) and ended his little tirade with a manly punch to the coffee table.

Taj did NOT care for that bit of drama.

The Mr. kept insisting it was broken and I, though my tears of laughter and with my imagined medical degree, kept insisting that it wasn’t.

I felt sure that all he did was jam it and all that needed to be done was Dr. Mish needed to grab that sucker and yank it back into place.

Well, that idea didn’t get nearly the enthusiastic response that I thought it would.

He finally calmed down and I finally dried my tears and we continued with our TV show.

But every time the Mr. had to get up, he would hobble around and wince in pain while I giggled.

Finally at bedtime, I took a look at his little piggy toe after I promised not to pull on it.

Wow.

It’s bruised.

It may in fact BE broken.

Did I continue to laugh?

No.

Did I apologize for my unbelief?

Heck no…..I grabbed my phone and snapped a picture!!

IMG_20140313_224237

Poor Mr. and his poor little bruised toe!!

{Sorry for the toe picture, Marcus.}

~Mish~

 

SAFE!

sliding

Way back in the olden days of December, 2013, I went to a work conference, leaving the Mr. and Taj home alone to fend for themselves.  They did pretty good but I was anxious to get home.

The day I got back was a rainy ole day and my co-worker dropped me off at the house before the Mr. got home.  Taj was glad to see me and I was happy to be back home.

I barely got into the house, dropped my bags off in the entryway and fell on the couch for a little nap before the Mr. got home wondering what was for supper.

Besides……….I had shows to catch up on!!

While Taj & I were dozing, the doorbell rang.

Now, Taj is a pretty good little dog but nothing gets him more stirred up than the doorbell.

Unless it’s a dog walking by the house.

Or a bird on the windowsill.

Or a Pupperoni.

Or just about ANY food.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that dog when ballistic!!!!

Scared me right out of my skin!

Since it was Christmas time and I pride myself in ordering ALL my gifts online, I knew it was probably a mountain of packages.

So I waited for the delivery guy to drive away (he’s a ring-the-bell-and-walk-away kind of guy) then I headed to the side door where he usually leaves our stuff.

Nothing.

So I go to the front door.

Nothing.

That’s weird!!

Where are my packages????

I slipped on my shoes head out the door to see if I can find my ding-dong boxes.

I checked around the bushes.

I walked down the sidewalk to check around the chairs on the side porch.

As I’m heading back up the walk to the front door, I think…..GARAGE.

At this point its drizzling so I picked up my pace and headed toward the garage.

Unfortunately, being the graceful flower that I am (read that “bull in china shop”), my right foot only landed half on the walk.

Cue the slow motion…….

I tried to catch myself with one foot now on the grass and the other on the walk but I was moving way too fast (I’m so light on my feet, ya’ll) and I did kind of a cartoon wave of my arms as my upper body started over my lower half.

It was sort of a running airplane move that means only one thing:

She’s goin’ down!!!

Remember how I told you it was a rainy day?  Well, when I hit the ground, I slid a good way along the grass.

But it weren’t all grass!

It was MUD!!

When I finally landed, I was face down in the wet and mushy mud, too stunned to do anything but lay there.

Then I remembered my neighbors.

Since most of them are retired, I wondered how many of them were watching from their windows, Gladys-Kravitz-style.

But if they were, shame be upon every one of them ‘cause NOBODY came out to help me!!!

I got up and looked down at myself and saw that I was a muddy mess:

 IMG_20131205_162203

 

And after 5 washes, I still can’t get the mud out of that pink blouse!  😦

I’ve always wondered what could make a grown man playing baseball slide head first into home plate.  After doing it myself, I’ve gotta say, I’m stumped.

Not only do you get filthy dirty……

It HURTS!!!!

~Mish~

And The Winner Is………

Life isn’t about keeping score.

I read that on a blog today.

But if we’re not keeping score, how do we know who’s winning????

lion

When our boys were younger, the Mr. would chase them up the stairs at bedtime pretending that he was a lion about to eat them.  The kids would climb over the couch, screaming and scrambling up the stairs.  If the “lion” got hold of them, he would drag them back down the steps and they’d have to start over.  All the while, the Mr. was growling like a lion and the kids were laughing and screaming!  They loved it.

It scared me to death!!!  I was just waiting for the day when someone’s chin would get busted open on the steps but that day never came, thank the Lord!!!

As the boys outgrew the game, the “lion” turned his attention toward me!!!  Thankfully, the Mr. was smart enough to know that if he pulled me down the stairs, it would be “Big Trouble In Little China”!!!  That would NOT be appreciated.  But he’d still dare me to make it to the top of the stairs before he could get to me.  He didn’t growl as much but there was definitely laughing and screaming on my part and I’m sure there was a time or two the neighbors wondered what in the world was going on.

Last night we decided to head to bed early so we could watch TV before going to sleep.

We’re an exciting couple like that.

So while the Mr. was in the kitchen, I casually mention that Taj and I were going to head upstairs.  Of course, by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs, the Mr. was right there!!

“You’ll never make it”

I assured him that I would wait right there for him to be done.

TRUST ME!!!

He heads back to the kitchen with Taj right at his heels and I took my opportunity!

I ran as fast my little Pika-legs would carry me and since the real goal is to get to the top, I DOVE the last few steps and landed in a heap at the top of the stairs just as the Mr. got to me!!  All the while Taj is barking like a crazy man and thinks the Mr. is trying to kill me.  There was lots of laughing and screaming.

Then I realized that, with age, comes a new aspect of the game.

The goal now is to get to the top of the stairs without wetting your pants.

Getting old is not for the faint of heart.

As we go into the bedroom to get ready for our exciting night of “Dr. Who”, I notice that the Mr. has a sense of urgency about him.

Game #2 is afoot!!

This game consists of who can get IN the bed first.   The catch is that you have to be completely ready for bed…….pills taken, jammies on, contacts out.

The big problem is that while the Mr. is just getting himself ready, I have to close the drapes, set the alarms and change clothes after the epic fail at the end of the last game!!

At this point, we are both moving around like madmen trying to be the first in the bed.  I see that there is no way I’m going to beat the Mr. until I realize that he’s still wearing his contacts!!!  YES!!!

I quickly remind him that he’s got to get those contacts out but he informs me that he’ll just sleep in them!!  Fine………let them fuse to your eyeballs in the night!!  WHATEVER!!!

I grab my nightgown and head into the bathroom.  That’s when I hear the Mr. in the other bathroom!!

Now’s my chance!!!

I jump into my gown, wash my hands and just as I turn the doorknob, I hit the lights.  All I gotta do is hop into that bed and I’m the victor!!!

But the door won’t open!!

Is the Mr. holding the door???

No, I can still hear  him in the other bathroom.

That stinker has put a chair up against the door!!!!

He has trapped me in!!!

What a cheater!!!

Now I’m banging on the door yelling to be let out since this is obviously a violation of the rules!

Meanwhile, Taj is going berzerko!!!

Eventually the Mr. strolls into the bedroom, calm as you please, removes the chair and I see him do a perfect swan-dive into the bed!

He thinks he’s won!

Little does he know that I’ve got a call into the KY Gaming Commission to report his blatant disregard for the rules!!

Never fear, once I get some Depends, I’ll be unstoppable!!  🙂

~Mish~

Slip Sliding Away

snow

It snowed last night.

Not a lot.

But enough that I begged the Mr. to drive me to work.

He was thrilled!!

The problem is that he goes to work at 7:30 and I can’t get into my building until 7:45.

So what’s a girl to do????

A girl hangs out at Subway, that’s what!

The Mr. drops me off and goes on his merry way.

I order a very diet-friendly breakfast and sit and wait.

I look out the window.

I check my e-mail.

I check the Facebook.

And then it hits me.

I’ve got to WALK to work.

Now, I will be the first to admit that I’m lazy by nature, but the issue wasn’t the distance.   It was the icy, snowy street and sidewalk that stretch between me and safety!

See, from Subway, I have to cross St. Clair Street and then cross Main Street, then I have to walk up Main Street to my building.

{Ok……..It’s not technically MY building; I just work there!}

Lots of opportunity for me to fall on my hiney.

And lots of opportunity for said fall to be witnessed by others!

Now, at this time of the morning it’s not like the streets were teeming with people.  It’s Frankfort, after all.  But all it takes is one!!

So I start out like the little old woman that I am all the while repeating these words in my head:  “Don’t fall; don’t fall”

Shuffle, shuffle.

“Don’t fall; don’t fall”

I get across St. Clair without incident but now there are cars at the stop signs.  The pressure is on.

Shuffle, shuffle.

“Don’t fall; don’t fall”

I’m across Main.

Now for the big finish.

Shuffle, shuffle.

Why didn’t I wear better shoes???

Shuffle, shuffle.

And then a song pops into my head.  Not the whole song, just the end.

And my mantra changes.

It’s no longer “Don’t fall; don’t fall”; it’s now “We fall down, we fall down”.

WHAT?!?!?!

Why can’t I be singing about warm, sunny, summer days???

Or at the very least a song about staying UPRIGHT!!

But, oh no, my silly brain goes to “We fall down”!!  I don’t even really know that song!!

I finally made it to the office without making a complete and utter fool of myself.

That’s a good day, right there!!

But rest assured that if I had indeed fallen down, in the tense state that I was in I would surely have shattered every bone in my body.

This is why little old ladies shouldn’t walk on icy, snowy streets!!!

~Mish~

 

The Best Laid Plans

The Mr. and I are very different.  I think I’ve shared that with you before but it’s worth repeating.  And I don’t just mean in the typical male/female ways.  He’s just an odd duck!  Don’t tell him I said that!  🙂

For example, when we get home from a trip, the Mr. likes to totally unpack the bags and put everything away before even sitting down!  That’s just crazy talk!

I, on the other hand, will continue to live out of my suitcase until its empty of all the clean clothes and/or laundry day rolls around.  This makes the Mr. insane!!

We went on our anniversary trip the weekend of June 22.  We were gone for just a few days but we each had our own bag.  When we got home, sure enough, the Mr. dutifully unpacks his bag and puts all his stuff away.  I also unpacked my bag since I was trying to be cooperative.

The Mr. asked where his suitcase goes.  Since we’ve recently moved into the Mahal, I understand that he’s still figuring out my crazy organization of our junk.  I just told him to leave it and I’d put it away.  Wasn’t that nice of me??

Imagine my surprise when, 3 weeks later, the Mr. dares to question why that red suitcase is still sitting out in our room!  The nerve!!! 

Its only been a few weeks.  What’s the hurry?????

And its not like I put mine away and left his……….mine is sitting there right beside his!!!

I’d like to tell you that I was contrite, immediately admitted my laziness and put the bags away but I must confess that my first reaction to  his inquiry was a little more heated than that.

A LOT more heated, actually.

Man, did that tick me off!!!!

So as soon as he left the room, I put my bag away and as I reached for his, I thought “I’ll show that Mr.” and I quickly put the suitcase on his side of the bed and covered it up with the blankets (surprise, surprise, I hadn’t made the bed that morning!).

Then all I had to do was wait.

The anticipation was KILLING me!  I couldn’t wait to see his face when he pulled those covers back.  This was going to be the best bazinga ever!!

He came back into the room and I piddled around waiting for him to discover my trickery.

He plugged in his phone.

He took off his belt and ring and laid them neatly on the dresser (he’s just too neat for his own good!).

He got a drink of water to take his pill.

Finally.

This is it!

He grabs his pillow, walks around the bed and lays down…………..on MY side!!

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

He was getting on my side so that while we watched TV I could scratch his bloomin’ back!!!!

And here I was trying to swallow the grin on my face.  He was ruining it!!!

I finally marched over to his side, jerked the covers back revealing the suitcase, and said “LOOK!  You ruined it!”

He immediately started howling with laughter! 

For all you who think he’s a quiet, mild-mannered guy, let me tell you that his laughing was rattling the windows!!!  Scared poor Taj to death!!!

Drat…..foiled again!

~Mish~